How to House a Keg...

House: "To consume excessive amounts of a substance"

Disclaimer: This is not inteneded for beginners. Houseing a keg is a highly technical art and should be reserved for expert partiers.

Step One: Get a keg

fig 1.1

In order to waste a keg you will need to have a keg. If you plan on throwing a "kegger" plan on getting one of these. Typically you can purchase a "keg" at a local "beer distributor".  These are establishments whose sole purpose is selling beer.   Ok you will also need money, I didn't say this was gonna be easy!  Give the man at the store your money (not the guy with the flask out front the one at the cash register) and tell him "I would like to purchase your cheapest keg unless its coors light because I drink real beer!"  This should enable you to get a keg.

Step Two. Ice the Keg

fig 1.2

When you purchased the keg you should also purchase ice and rent a tub (or use your own).   What you will need to do is lift the keg and put it in the tub. After having done this you will take a bag of ice and dump it into the tub. If you do not have a keg please go back to step one. Putting ice in an empty tub will not get you wasted.

Step 3: Tap the Keg

fig 1.3

Ok you probably got your keg and successfully put it on ice. You and your buddies and a horde of angry partiers have been licking and stroking this keg trying to keg beer out. Well its not gonna happen unless you put a tap on it. You should have rented one with your keg at the beer distributor (aren't you glad you read this first!). Place the tap on the top of the keg and twist it.  Now your finally ready to join the big leagues.

Step 4. House the Keg

fig 1.4

Now is the important step. Drink Beer. I can't stress the importance of this step. If you don't do this the keg will remain full.  So make sure you drink. You can do this by drinking out of cups, by drinking directly from the tap(figure 1.4), beer pong, kegstands, etc.  The point is to get wasted.

Step 5: After the Keg is Tapped

fig 1.5

Once you have house the keg the part is not over. There is still plenty of fun left. Hopefully you have achieved a wasted state. If not repeat steps 1 through 4. If you are properly soused you can engage in the followin activities

• Try and bed a fat chick
• Pass out
• Puke
• Yell about sports
• Put dirty womens underwear on your head and sing the star spangled banner.
• Go home because there is no more beer